Acknowledgement

It's days like Tuesday that leave me feeling beat down and hopeless.  I know good things came of Tuesday, but being emotionally involved in my work is tough.  So tough that I cried the whole way to get Bman from daycare, and from daycare to pick up Greg... Luckily, it was sunny and leaving my shades on, to hide my runny mascara, didn't get me any strange looks.  I could go on and on and on about Tuesday, and how justice was not fully served.  But, I'm not doing that.  I'm leaving the road apple be.  

More on road apples in another post.

The biggest thing that's sticking to the front of my brain right now is acknowledging Parker.  I haven't gone a day in the last 2 years 21 months without thinking about him.  

I always fear meeting new people.  Everyone always asks "how many kids to you have".  Completely harmless question under normal circumstances.  I have an inner battle, on whether or not i should open up my heart, and share my pain with a complete stranger or keep Parker and all the emotions that come with him hidden.  Or the question "is he an only child"...  I've kinda mastered this one, its not a lie, and i dont feel guilty about not disclosing my first born when i tell inquirers that Bman is the only child at home.

Tuesday brought the opportunity for Greg to testify in court about some things to get our life together on the right track.  During the preparation, i kept wanting to blurt out that he's has 2 other children now, not just 1, even though Bman is the only "relevant" child.  I really have a problem with Our first born son together not being acknowledged.  That just because he died, he doesn't "matter" in the contexts of which Greg would be testifying.  I dont know what acknowledging Parker would do, other than satisfy some selfish want desire of mine. I'm not looking for the courts pity or sympathy.  

I just want Our son acknowledged dammit! 

But the opportunity was a bust.  And the road apple got turned into road apple sauce for everyone to trudge through.

I want nothing more than:

To tell the world what a beautifully handsome baby Parker was.  

To help bereaved parents, find their way down this dark road, and find the peace I'm beginning to find. 

To raise awareness about stillbirth.

And to encourage doctors to inform educate expecting parents on the importance of kick counting.