My post from one year ago is over on Rainbows & Real Life.
Here we are 2 years, 8 months, and 4 days later.
My precious Parker,
Time has flown this past year. I told Daddy today, i couldn't believe Benjamin is going to be 2 years old in 3 months. I realized immediately after that statement that you would be 3 this year, and its been almost 3 years since we were blessed to have the time we got with you. I think the year passed us by so quickly because Benjamin has kept us busy. I get angry that we missed these precious milestones and trials with you. Im angry that everything I had planned for us, never got to be. That it was all put on hold for a year and now we are experiencing it all for the first time with your little brother. I find myself wondering if you would've been this big of a handful. And then I get angry at myself for comparing your brother to you, and even more so when i think that we should have our hands fuller with both of you here. My heart still aches to hold you in my arms. I still cry in the shower, wishing we could've had more time, wishing it would've been different.
I'm so sorry that we don't come up to see you more, and that we don't spend more time with you while we are there. I promise, that very soon i will come spend the good part of a day with you. No Daddy or brother, just you and me.
I cry alot less than i did a year ago. I think mostly because I'm not holding your brother constantly while he sleeps. He looks just like you, you know. I do find myself wondering what you would look like, what your personality would be like. Would you have glasses and allergies like Daddy? Would you be into Monster Trucks and racing like Benjamin?
I notice little signs, that you are with us. A butterfly floating around the playground, a lady bug landing on my arm at a stoplight, the way your brother just stops and stares at your pictures. I have found a kind of peacefulness within myself. Like everyone says "Bad shit happens to good people". Well, you dying is the worst kind of bad that could've happened. Daddy and I are so much stronger than ever before. We've survived things that have destroyed couples. I know you helped us through those tough times, and continue to help us through our rough patches.
I Miss you so much!
I Love You Forever,
Mommy
So that's where i am. Full of regret, anger, and a sense of peacefulness.
(((((Sarah))))) Remembering your sweet Parker with you.
ReplyDeleteI think we will always wonder what they would have been like, what kind of things they would have liked to do, what they would have looked like. And it's so heartbreaking to think that we will never know.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for the loss of dear little Parker but I'm glad for those little signs that show your boy is still with you, helping you. I hope you continue to find peace x
I think regret and anger will hang around in some form for a long time, but that said, I'm glad peacefulness has crept in to your life as well, because that's important.
ReplyDeleteRemembering Parker.
xo
Oh, Sarah, this is so beautiful and honest. Addressing him choked me up a bit. I rarely talk to Lucia, I don't know why. Sometimes, a rare moment, but not as a matter of course. Anyway, thank you for sharing. xo
ReplyDeleteA beautiful letter to your baby boy. Remembering Parker, and thanking you for sharing <3
ReplyDeleteI was speaking with my counselor the other day about wondering what Charlotte would be doing, if she would be at all like her brother. She said it was normal, that I would have to get comfortable seeing Charlotte's shadow next to Bennett for the rest of his life. We all wonder what our lost babies would be like, who they might be had they lived.
ReplyDeleteRemembering Parker, thank you for sharing your heart.
It breaks my heart that I will never know the little boy that my baby would have grown into. Nothing has made me realise how much 'bad shit happens to good people', as reading these Right Where I Am posts. It's comforting and terrible to know there are so many other women who live without their child. Thank you for sharing where you are. Thinking of you and Parker.
ReplyDeleteI wonder too, what Freddie would be like. I have all girls from before him, so no frame of reference and his brother is coming along and shouldn't have to show me, but will have to. And I can tell, even through the little I knew of Freddie and know of Ben, that they were not alike. So I will never know and it really bothers me.
ReplyDeleteI write letters to Freddie sometimes and so I loved this post :) feels like blog home ;)
My rainbow baby has made me think of what I have missed with my other 3 children. I am thrilled Logan is in my life but I will always miss his siblings and they will always be on my mind and in my heart... thus is grief through babyloss. Thank you for sharing...I am so very sorry for your loss <3
ReplyDeleteI remember before my daughter was born worrying about kind of losing Henry in the busyness of every day life with a child to care for. I have to find time for him in a very different way than I have to find time for my other children, but I do, much as you promise Parker to have a nice long visit with him soon, just the two of you. I work in my son's garden on his birthday, usually alone, as much of the day as I can. It is sacred time, one of the few that I hold tight for my boy.
ReplyDeleteRemembering Parker with you.
"And then I get angry at myself for comparing your brother to you"
ReplyDeleteIt's such a challenge, parenting a rainbow and allowing them to be their own person not in the shadow of their lost sibling. And it's hard to feel like our dead babies slip further away from us. You capture that so well.
I love that you write directly to Parker, I used to write directly to Emma in my private journal.
I love all of the love in this post - the way you write so thoughtfully about parenting all of your children. I'm glad you are stronger, and so, so sorry that you found yourself in a place where you had to be this strong.
ReplyDeleteMuch love.