Planning Ahead

Every single time i've sat down to write this week, i got flooded with anxiety and panic.  

My chest is pounding and tight as can be.

I am overwhelmed with nausea.

The tears are just flowing, uncontrollably.

"leaving Children's National again with empty arms and a shattered heart."

I already know exactly what I'll say if everything goes wrong on Friday.  I already have Benjamin's funeral planned, which casket, which floral arrangement, which priest, who to invite, again.

All of it is already planned. Just in case.

I already know how my life will fall apart, again.

I already know which friends i will avoid, again.

I already know that excessive drinking will become a HUGE part of my life, again.

I already know i will cut myself, again.
It's all part of a process.  The process of bracing myself, for what could happen.

It seems that when things have been going good for a while, something BIG happens to bring the walls crashing back down.  Things have been really great for a long time now, and its about time for something to fuck it all up.  Something always does, without fail.

But, before any of that can happen.

I have to get through Thanksgiving Dinner at my house.

My menu is straight out of the south!

Turducken

Fresh Collard Greens

Homemade Stuffing

Green Bean Casserole

Homemade Loaded Mashed Potatoes

Cranberry Sauce

I'm pretty scared to take a whack at pecan pie, so i nixed dessert.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!